How to Help a Family after a Medical Emergency

Help after a Medical Emergency . . .

Every night in the shower for as long as I can remember, I’ve replayed the ups and downs since March of 2020. I know I’m not the first to admit that the past couple of years have felt like a sucker punch. In the early days, I thought I was managing quarantine with two busy toddlers fairly well. But life took a dramatic turn in August of 2020. My husband, Jake, needed open-heart surgery during a global pandemic. Timing wasn’t ideal, and the increasing COVID risk felt terrifying. With exposure to one sick person (pre or post-op), I could become a widow. I didn’t want to raise our girls without him.

The pandemic introduced multiple factors that made our situation even more stressful. I felt alone because I was alone. We were under strict quarantine orders while Jake physically and mentally recovered from his major surgical procedure. I was the caregiver, the protector and the emotional support system for two toddlers and an open-heart surgery patient. I look back now and realize that it really was a lot. I’m not misremembering. The weight of responsibility was all-consuming, and the magnitude of our situation nearly did me in.

Fast forward to February of 2022, just a year and a half after Jake’s surgery. Our youngest daughter, Violet (now three years old), was diagnosed with a genetic autoimmune disease. Prior to her hospital stay, I knew nothing about Type 1 Diabetes. I quickly learned T1D requires constant monitoring and multiple insulin injections every day. Because there is no cure, this chronic condition effects every aspect of her life, for the rest of her life.

Overwhelmed doesn’t even begin to describe it. These years have been traumatic. I’m physically exhausted, and my emotional bandwidth is depleted. I need help. I need a lot of help. Our family isn’t the first to experience these types of medical emergencies. There are countless other families in similar situations, and they need to feel your support during the most trying time of their life. When the next medical emergency strikes, I’ve come up with a few ideas to lighten their load.

Practical ways to help:

Food Delivery Gift Cards

This is the very best way people have been able to help us. Why? It allows for maximum flexibility, customization and ease. I’m speaking from experience when I say it’s hard to predict the bad days until they hit. With a food delivery gift card, meal prep is completely taken care of ON THE SPOT without any extra thought. 

Nationwide Options: Uber Eats (gift card page), Postmates, DoorDash (gift card page), GrubHub (gift card page)

Visa Gift Cards

Medical debt can feel extremely debilitating. A Visa gift card is essentially cash that can be used to pay for things like hospital bills, rent, insurance, food expenses or childcare costs. You can purchase Visa gift cards at your local grocer or via Amazon (here).

Laundry Service

Dirty clothes are the last thing anyone wants to deal with. Be a hero, and give the gift of a laundry service! You can do a quick Google search for a local dry cleaner/laundromat that offers a wash and fold service. FYI: I’ve been very happy with Red Hanger (Utah company) because they pick up and deliver at my front door. It’s so convenient.

Replenish Pantry Essentials

Breakfast is a great meal to provide. Involve the kids of the family by asking about dietary needs, favorite cereals, milk preferences, yogurts, fruits, baked goods and oatmeal + toppings. The best part is that breakfast food can double as dinner. Your shopping trip provides multiple meals, and the ingredients should last about a week. 

Send Stickers

If there are little ones, send stickers. You can find a fun assortment of sticker packs via Amazon (here). This inexpensive gift provides hours of entertainment. My 5 year old and 3 year old are big fans of build-your-own dinosaur stickers like these. I’m talking about a 100% guarantee for smiles.

Be a Business Cheerleader

If someone is working in the midst of the emergency, they need the income. This is the perfect opportunity to support their job, small business or side gig. Be their biggest cheerleader. Share their business with friends, like a few Instagram posts, write a review online or actually purchase a product. You can find more business related ways to help in my blog post here.

My heartfelt Advice:

To everyone reading this, it’s time to let go of expectations. Please do not expect anything from the caregiver or those immediately experiencing the medical emergency. After Jake’s surgery, my priorities drastically changed. I was no longer able to fulfill needs outside our immediate family (my husband, my kids). We had to say no, and we continue saying no a lot. People are offended because they don’t realize we are facing bigger, more pressing issues with greater risks. This is my sincerest plea to you. Expectations are unhelpful and can strain relationships beyond repair.

To extended family and friends, take time to do your homework. For you, as an outside source of help, it’s great to understand the basic vocabulary or terminology associated with the medical emergency or diagnosis. But, remember that you will never know more or better than the person(s) in the trenches. Moving forward, your knowledge should be used in a supportive role. This vocabulary reiterates that you’re interested and invested in providing ongoing support. It’s time to be a listener, not a lecturer.

Also, please respect the wishes, requests and boundaries set by the hospital, medical professionals and family after the emergency. This is especially true when/if you don’t understand said rules. NOTE: there are a lot of things not to do. Remember, each situation is different. The only way you’ll know what not to do is by asking and listening. Boundaries can keep people alive.

Ask, listen, and then fulfill needs. This is your chance to give the family exactly what they ask for. It’s important to remember that this isn’t about you or ways to help yourself cope. Instead, your focus should be on the people immediately impacted.

Don’t overlook the caregivers (i.e. spouses, adult children or parents of small children). In many cases, the caregivers can’t look after themselves because they’re busy caring for everyone else. The first thing to do is tell the caregivers that you see them and you see how hard they’re working. Next, do something specifically for the caregiver. Send a bouquet of flowers or deliver their favorite takeout. Little luxuries feel like a real treat.

Don’t overlook the sibling(s). If one member of the family is sick, everyone takes note. Medical emergencies are difficult for siblings because they’re watching everything from the sideline. Even if brother/sister isn’t battling the illness, please don’t leave them out. Your gesture doesn’t need to be elaborate. Think coloring books + washable crayons, favorite snacks or snail mail addressed with their name. This is an emotional time they’ll likely never forget.

The Most Important Takeaway:

The last bit to mention is about grace. Give grace, and then give more. For the primary caregiver, for Jake and Violet (the one’s with the medical emergency), for the sibling–it is a rollercoaster of emotions. I can’t express how much goes on behind closed doors. Even if someone looks ok and like they have it all together, please err on the side of love, kindness and compassion. It’s highly likely that they put on a brave face and act strong around others. Tears are often shed secretly and quietly. I speak from personal experience when I say that your thoughtfulness, big or small, can make a world of difference.

post photo by Erica Mendenhall Photography, celebrating Jake’s one year post-op in August 2021

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